Have you checked out APLs website lately? If you click on 'wrestlers' it takes you to a search page which asks 'type in the name of the wrestler' If you click on 'tapes' it takes you to a search page which asks you to 'type in the name of the tape you're looking for' Well, how in the fark am I supposed to know the names of the product these idiots produce? Heheh, it's hilarious if only for level of sheer incompetency, worth a visit just for a laugh.
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the juwes are the men who will not be blamed for nothing...
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed ! at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. Wh en you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist
in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-corns such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf' will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it wo! uld be best if you played with the girls. It
is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than
a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist
on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known
as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's
Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices(roughly $6/US gallon--get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Ma jesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
17. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake... it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular.
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
the BBC
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the juwes are the men who will not be blamed for nothing...
Excellent stuff that Legion (change your frigging name you bounder). Absolutely spot on too. Monarchy was invented by God and God is sponsored by Microsoft, and as we all know Bill Gates is the new Messiah. So sending over Camilla Parker Bowles to act as the British representative for the British Monarchy over the USA only makes good Christian sense. Anyway all this American 'saving the world for mother ****ing freedom' and democracy, and liberty ****e is beginning to bore me. It's just far too mediocre!
As Orson Welles once said:
"In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switerzland they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock."
[To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a competent President...Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.]...fluffy
Say, didn't I already whack this'n over at 'Fessor's other joint?
[...and as we all know Bill Gates is the new Messiah.]...'Fessor
Didn't Billy Boy get bumped a slot by a Swedish furniture maker on the big bucks list awhile back?
[So sending over Camilla Parker Bowles to act as the British representative for the British Monarchy over the USA only makes good Christian sense.]...'Fessor
Oooooh NO YOU DON'T! Keep that prune on your side of the water! The last time you lot had a spare Duchess ya'll kept the blonde babe and stuck us with the fat one(Fergie). No siree, we ain't falling for that crap again. Bowles is YOUR battle axe! YOU LOT DEAL WITH IT!
[Anyway all this American 'saving the world for mother ****ing freedom' and democracy, and liberty ****e is beginning to bore me. It's just far too mediocre!]...'Fessor
Here! Here! What a load of malarkey! Besides it's a complete waste of time and resources too. Trekking all over the globe saving people from their own stupidity only to have to return later and do it all over again(WW I&II). I say balls to that! Whatever happened to good old fashioned 'Merican whoopin' somebody's ass for the sake of............whoopin' somebody's ass? Ahhh, the good ole days.
[In Switerzland they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock.]...'Fessor
Yeah but have you seen that neat little knife thingamajig they've got? It's a handy little dandy. You can use it to pop open a can of near frozen gnat's ****, pry open a crate of ammo, dress a couple of possoms and that's only using three of the blades. Or do I only use two in that instance? Aww hell, I can't remember.
Say 'Fessor, aren't you the bigshot now! Mister "I've got two websites and you've got none." Mister "I can post on the producer's board and Barb will whack your ass if you try it." Yeah, a reeeeeel top dog that 'Fessor. Aunty M was right. Ever since you got that voice over job as the roaming gnome at travelocity.com, your head has grown two hat sizes.
